I have decided that the Internet is a terrifying place whenever you try to get helpful information from it. I want to know as much as I can sight I feel prepared for my surgery and may have some sort of sense of what to expect in the coming weeks. Maybe being prepare will help to ease this cripple apprehension I seen to be suffering from. Of course, all the research I am doing is making me more nervous. Leave the ovaries and still e hormonal an crazy or take them and go into menopause and have a greater risk of having a heart attack? Leave the cervix and risk still having pain and. Lessing every month or take it and risk losing pleasure from sex. Most people tell me there is no right or wrong answer to these question a each person and case is unique, but I really wish there was some sort of concrete answer so that I did not have to agonize over making the right choice. I sure hope this all gets easier to figure out because the stress of making this choice may very well make me crazy. White padded room, here I come.

Eviction notice served, now get the hell out.

I have had a week to wrap my head around this and now I feel I am okay enough to share with the world. I am having a hysterectomy in 18 days. Kind of blunt, I know, but I just had to throw that out there that way any whiny babies who get freaked out about this kind of thing could just leave. I am not sure how I feel about this. When I was younger, I thought the whole idea of a hysterectomy sounded awesome, but now I think it feels terrifying. There are times like now that I am in so much pain I want to count the seconds down, but even hidden in there, I am scared that I am making the wrong choice. I have tried lots of other options and it seems like my symptoms are not only not getting better, but that they are deteriorating faster. I wake up every night since the decision was made in a panic about the surgery and I lay in bed for hours questioning whether my reasons are good enough. I knew I was apprehensive, but I didn't understand how scared I was until my doctor called to book my appointment. I thought maybe she was calling with more test results. As soon as she said she was calling to book my surgery, I began bawling.

Crying? I was actually crying over booking my surgery? I was scared and at the same time I was angry. Angry at myself for crying over something so stupid. Did I not just have surgery 6 months ago and come out perfectly fine? Am I not aware of how severely anemic I am because I cannot control the bleeding that comes with my periods? Do I not hurt so bad that I have to take narcotic pain medication-which I loathe-just to make it through my day? Why on Earth was I crying? I felt like I was one of those silly cartoon characters with the angel and devil debating on her shoulders with the warring that was going on in my head. I have not rectified the two sides, but I am trying to comes to terms with this surgery and as I get closer, you can bet the emotions will get stronger and even more confusing, For now, I just sit here and worry endlessly about what it will be like before, during, and after and I turn to my new amazing friends over at Hystersisters. I honestly do not know if I would be able to breathe in and out without their amazing support and advice.