Laughing My Ass Off!!!!

This happened a few years ago, but at dinner tonight we reminisced about it and I decided that I needed to share this with everyone. About two years ago, Mack and I decided it would be a good idea to use one of those extra large exercise balls at our computer desk rather than using a computer chair. We had it in place for a few months and it looked like the computer chair was going to have to find itself a new home. The best part about the ball was when I was doing work, I could bounce up and down in a sitting motion on it and work out my thighs. I thought it was the greatest combination and even Mack seemed to like it.

A couple of months after we got the exercise ball, Mack was sitting at the computer looking something up on the computer. I was sitting on a file cabinet box behind him and we were discussing whatever it was that we were looking at. Out of nowhere, our cat Carmine Falcone, came running around from hallway, into the room, and up onto the computer desk. During this acrobatic feat, he launched himself off of the exercise ball that Mack was occupying. This may not have been a problem if not for the fact that Falcone was not declawed and when he propelled himself from the ball to the desk, he used his claws for maximum pounce.

The sound of a lot of air rushing out of a little hole filled the room. Mack turned to me with a cartoon character shocked look on his face. His eyes were the size of saucers and his chin was hanging on the floor. In order to try and stop the air from leaking out of the ball and consequently landing himself on the floor, Mack tried to place his hand into the puncture hole that Falcone’s claws made. This was probably the worst thing that he could have done. Upon placing his finger onto the rubber there was an earsplitting rip that sounded more like a sonic boom. The entire ball exploded in a gush of air that blew all of the papers off of our desk and onto the floor. At the same time, Mack was removed from the sitting position that he had been in at the beginning of this chain of events and he was now lying flat on his back with his legs sticking up in the air. His face displayed a look of complete and utter shock. It was almost as though he could not process what had happened to him that had resulted with him ending up on the floor with little bits of rubber in his hair and surrounding the scene of the crime.

I too was lying on the floor, but not because the cat had decimated my chair. I was on the floor beside Mack because my body could not hold itself upright when it was shaking with uncontrollable laughter the way that it was. I was laughing so hard that I was barely making any sound. I wasn’t even able to breathe because my lungs were only able to work in a way that expelled air, not take any in. I was in no condition to move other than in an up and down chest motion much less ask whether or not Mack was okay. I do not know what happened to the cat in all of this, but I do know that he jumped at least 2 feet straight up into the air when the ball exploded. Or maybe that was Mack. It was all so fast that I cannot be sure which one did what, but I do know that the end result was Mack with a bruised backside and me making a mad dash to the potty. 

The air in bubble tea comes from the heads of the workers.

This happened a couple of years ago, but Mack and I still laugh ourselves silly whenever it comes up. 


We were at the Vancouver Mall and Mack was wanting a cup of sweet tea. We had looked everywhere when someone finally suggested that he try the bubble tea place to see if they had some. Bubble Tea? What the heck is bubble tea? Neither one of us had ever heard of it but it had tea in the title so it was at least a good place to start. 


When we found the place we were certain from the get go that there was no way these people would have sweet tea. Watching the interaction of the two girls behind the counter gave me little hope that either of them had even heard of tea that wasn't bubblefied. Little did I know that I wasn't far from the truth. I am amazed these girls had even figured out how to walk and breathe at the same time. 


When it was Mack's turn he walked up to the counter and asked the girl if they sold regular tea without the fruit pieces, flavors, and pearls whatever those were. This is the conversation that followed. 


Sales Girl: Pearls? We don't put necklaces in our tea. Oh wait a second, do you mean the tapioca pearls? Ha. Ha. Now I get it. I forgot we called them tapioca pearls. I do that sometimes....forget things, ya know? So like anyways, wait, what was the question?


Mack: What are tapioca pearls?


SG: They are pearls made from tapioca?


Mack: what is tapioca?


SG: (Blank Stare)
Um, Hold on (disappears to the back of the store and then returns with another girl.


Other Girl: What was your question?


Mack: What are tapioca pearls?


OG: Tapioca pearls? Well they are pearls that come from Tapioca.


Mack: What is tapioca?


SG: This is why I found you. I don't know (insert high pitch teenager girl laughter)


OG: Um, wait, um, I think, no, well, I don't know. 
They look like this (goes to container and gets a spoonful of tapioca pearls)


Mack: That looks.... interesting.


SG: They kinda look like big black balls of snot huh?


(Pan to see me in background barely able to stand up straight because I am laughing so hard)


OG: Yeah they kinda do. (To Mack) You wanna try one?


Mack: (looks afraid) ...What do they taste like? 


OG: I don't know. They don't really have a taste. 


Mack: So they taste like nothing? 


OG: Yeah!


Mack: So why do you add them to the tea?


OG: To give it flavor.


Mack: But they taste like nothing.


SG: & OG: YEAH!


Mack: So why do you add them?


OG: To give them flavor


Mack: What do they taste like?


SG: Nothing


Mack. But if they have no flavor, why do you add them to the tea?


OG: (getting irritated) To give them flavor.


Mack: Do you see what I am trying to say? You say that the pearls have no flavor but you add them to the tea to give them flavor. If they have no flavor, how do they give the tea flavor? Does that make sense?


OG: No.


SG: Wait, are you asking why they have no flavor if we add them to the tea?


Mack: No, I am asking WHY you add them to the tea IF they have no flavor. 


SG: I think I get it. You want to know why they are put in the tea if they don't taste like anything. Well they kinda have a taste. (takes one from the spoon and eats it) They kinda have a snot flavor and they are slimy like snot so it kinda gives it a snot flavor. Wanna try one? 


Mack: They taste like snot and you want me to eat one?


SG: Yeah.


Mack: That's okay, I'll pass.


OG: They don't really taste like snot. We boil them in brown sugar and water. They have a very sweet flavor to them. Like sugar. We use them to sweeten the tea.


Mack: So you add them to sweeten the tea?


OG: Yeah


Mack: That's what I was trying to figure out. Okay do you have regular tea?


OG: What's that?


Mack: Like black tea. What kind of tea do you use to make you drinks?


OG: You mean the concentrate?


Mack: What is that?


OG: Tea


Mack: Can I have some tea?


SG: We have concentrate that is made from tea, but not tea.


Mack: So the concentrate is tea.


OG: Yeah, do you want a glass of that?


Mack: (looks at me like he is about to snap) (whispers) Isn't that what I just asked for?


Me: (I am holding on to the stroller so that I don't fall onto the floor from laughing so much. Actually holding onto would mean I had some sort of control. I was practically laying on the thing to remain somewhat upright) I thought that was what you had asked for but maybe I heard you wrong.


Mack: (to other girl) Yes, can I have a glass of tea?


OG: We don't sell tea.


Mack (after his head explodes all over the wall) You just said you had tea.


OG: We have concentrate


Mack: Isn't that the tea?


OG: Yes


Mack: Can I have a glass of the tea concentrate?


OG: We don't have tea just concentrate.


Mack: (has lost his mind and is now insane) Ya, know what? never mind.

Mrs. Butterworth’s massacre.

Trying to do homework with four children in the house is never easy. In order to get homework done you sometimes have to allow your children the opportunity to roam around the house unattended. This usually is not a problem when referring to Trouble, however. At least that was the case before he learned how to open the cabinets in the kitchen. 


Most of the cabinets that he can reach have little in them that could cause a problem. Baby bottles, plastic baby bowls, and sippy cups frequent the cabinets he can access. There is a cabinet that does have items in it that he should not be getting into with glass bowls and such, but it is child locked. The only other cabinet he can open has our bulk food items or items that I would hate to drop on my foot from the upper cabinets should my hand ever screw up and decide to let go. (This happened once with a Costco size bottle of Steak Sauce that bruised a bone on the top of my foot and made it so that I hobbled for more than a month.) There is nothing that Trouble could get into down there that could be dangerous or cause a mess. Or so I thought.

Last night as I was attempting to submit my homework assignment, Mack went into the kitchen. He then told me that I needed to come into the kitchen as well because Trouble was so sweet. I thought maybe he had curled up with his blanket on the floor and was asleep or snuggling with the cat. Nope. Not even close. Mack meant sweet in the literal sense as in he would taste sweet if I had decided to give him a try. Somehow my sweet little Trouble had managed to not only get into the cabinet (not a hard feat for him) and pull out the gigantic bottle of Mrs. Butterworth’s Syrup, but he also took the lid off of the full bottle, and poured the syrup on the floor. Mind you these are half gallon size bottles of syrup and there was at least half of the bottle on the floor. He must have felt that my laminate floor was a tad on the boring side because he then proceeded to make syrup angels on the floor. Oh did I mention that while he was making said angels, he was lying face down in the syrup and licking it up?

Upon hearing the mommy police drawing closer to the scene of the crime, Trouble tried to make a getaway. Unfortunately for him, the syrup was rather slippery and it resulted in him swimming circles around the mess. Although the case is still under investigation, the mommy police are certain that they have obtained the proper suspect and he was punished accordingly with a bath.

Egg Days

Egg days

This past weekend was Egg Days here in town. I guess Winlock is home to the world’s largest egg and every summer they celebrate the awesomeness of the egg. All I can think when I see it sitting on its stand is what that poor chicken must have felt when she pushed the thing out.

So…there was a carnival set up at the elementary school and yesterday was pay on price bracelet day. We figured it would be best t get each of the kids a bracelet and let them have at it. The boys got to go on the rides for bigger kids and Stitch spent most of her time in the fun house. Although the fun house was pretty much an oxymoron as Stich didn’t seem to have fun in it despite the fact that she went in it at least10 times. Somehow Mack convinced me to take Chunk and Stitch on the Scrambler. I still have no idea how he conned me into that one. A. I hate spinning rides, B. My stomach has no spine so spinning rides always make me sick, and C. The force of the ride messed up my neck all over again.

We let the kids go nuts for about an hour which was more than enough time given that there were only 4 rides, a slide, and a fun house. Nothing to write home about but the kids had a blast and isn’t that really the whole point of a carnival?

6 years ago I was struggling to earn enough money just to pay my rent and bills. I was living on my own for the first time in my life and I was going to lose my place and move in with my parents again if I did not find a way to get extra income. I had applied to dozens of places but most companies were not willing to work with my already crazy schedule that was in place at fish killers. (Not the real name, obviously.) I heard it through my cousin that Home oh no was hiring. So I thought what the heck and applied. I was hired within the week.

Orientation began in April and my cousin and I spent a week cooped up in a little room where we learned the ins and outs of our jobs. Needless to say, orientation was very boring. Really, how much can they teach you about watering flowers and such when they cannot show you firsthand? Diagrams on the white board don’t adequately convey the right amount of moisture needed for plants to survive. To help pass the time and not make us want to take our shiny new box knives and introduce them to our wrists, my cousin and I were picking future boyfriends out of the employee pictures hanging on the wall. We had critiqued through most all of the pictures without me finding one that was appealing when suddenly a picture jumped out at me. It was a picture of a man in a skin tight black tee-shirt with his arms crossed over his chest. To say that he looked built was like calling the Mona Lisa a doodle. The shirt was pulled so tight that the seams looked like they were going to rip open. This man was mine!

Whenever he would come down to the garden department I would get all flustered and I would try to avoid him while still keeping an eye on him. Mack says that I was stalking him. I would laugh about it, but for the fact that it is kind of true. Which fits into one of my all time favorite quotes about love: "I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in." ;) 

One day in June, he helped me and some other employees load a big BBQ into someone’s truck and he spoke to me for the first time. I thought I would melt into the floor. We hadn't even been on a date or kissed and I was hooked. I was already envisioning the house with the picket white fence and the kids in the yard. I didn’t even want kids, but I could see them with him. The next night we both were working the closing shift and when we got off of work, I waited around and asked him to go with me to go get some ice cream. Little did I know that asking him to go get some ice cream would change my life. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. It was for me.

At work the next day I was giddy. I couldn’t even focus and every time I saw him, I got butterflies. Two weeks after the ice cream “date” we were talking about what we liked to do in our spare time and he mentioned that he liked to play cards and board games. I told him that my family got together once a month and played poker and I asked him if he wanted to go. He already knew my cousin Stefani who was going to be there, so he willingly agreed.

Everything was going well and he got along with my family perfectly. However, I was certain that he had no interest, a fact that became obvious to me when I dropped him back home and we just sat in my car. Do nothing. I remember looking out the window and commenting on a cat that walked by and when I looked back at him he reached over and kissed me. It was perfect. It was aggressive and sweet and tender and just…AHHHHH. No words. We pulled apart after a few minutes and he said goodnight. I sat in the driveway for a minute while I tried to compose myself but I knew that I had to leave or he really would think I was a stalker. So I went around the corner a half a block and did a little happy dance in my car. If I was giddy before, I was damn near flying.

About a week later I heard him telling someone that he was looking for a place to live and I told him that an apartment opened up above me in my building. I got him in touch with my landlord and he moved in. Two days after he moved in we were hanging out at my place and our relationship escalated further. I won’t go into detail other than to say HOLY CHRIST!!! That man knows his stuff. It was like everything you read about and wish you could experience, all of that and so much more

We began spending every moment together that we could at work and at home. There was no point to us having two apartments since the only time we were ever apart was when his kids were sleeping. Even then we were always finding ways to be together. We sure spent a lot of time on his sofa that’s for sure. After he lived in his apartment for a month, we began talking about marriage. There was no longer hesitation or unease on my end. Marriage was no longer a piece of paper. It was everything. Of course I would marry him. And I did exactly that a year and a half later.

I know that there is no such thing as fairytale love. You don’t hear birds singing and see flowers dancing. I knew going in to this relationship that love takes work. If you aren’t working at love, you don’t care enough. There is no such thing as perfect. People do not meet and get married and never have a problem. That just isn’t reality. Anyone who thinks that kind of love exists is naïve on a level that really is quite sad. I knew all of this when I met this man but I had no idea that I would get as close to perfect as someone can get. This man was meant for me in every way possible. Our bodies were made to fit each others in every way. Our hearts were made to love one another and our souls were meant to spend eternity together as man and wife. It was as if God made each of us with the sole purpose of the other in mind. It is no wonder we both failed at relationships in the past. We were both with people who were below us, people who were inadequate and incapable of loving us the way that we deserved.

Every dream that I never knew I had always wanted, came true when I met this man. I take this time to celebrate him and to celebrate our love and to hope that each one of you find the person who completes you in the way that my husband completes me. He is my one, my only, and my always and I will love him for the rest of my life and in the life that comes after.

My heart waits for yours
aching
bleeding
crying inside
My heart waits for yours
screaming
wanting
haunting my mind
My heart waits for yours
begging
pleading
trying to hide
My heart waits for yours
hoping
praying
waiting for you to decide