So this night started out like most others. Three people sitting around talking about what they were going to do for the evening. I do not remember now which of us had the brilliant idea to go get a Christmas tree at five in the evening, but knowing my love for Christmas and the fact that we were only about a week into December, I would bet I was the one to suggest it. My mother and sister had no objections to my crazy plan so we decided to go up and get me my Christmas tree.
Now you have to take into account that I am not talking about driving over to Walmart and getting one of the trees from some lot. I was talking about driving to the U-Cut tree farm that was about 30 minutes from where I was living. We loaded up into the car and headed up to the farm. We were almost to the tree farm and we were laughing, talking, and singing in a way that can only be described as painful for anyone who would have been subjected to it, but we were having a great time.
About a mile away from the farm, the skies opened up and rain began to fall. I wasn't all that worried about it though. We would just have to wait it out. After pulling into a space and waiting in the car for 10-15 minutes, we decided to throw caution to the wind and brave the elements. Outside the window of my car and only about 20 feet away from where we sat was MY TREE. Everything inside of me was screaming that this tree was perfect. There were no gaps, it was full and bushy, it was the perfect height for my apartment, and there even appeared to be a golden light illuminating it to really signify that the tree and I were meant to be. Okay, maybe the golden light was from the headlights of the car, but who am I to judge whether or not God was speaking to me or if it was just the shine of headlamps? Obviously I had to act in case it was an omnipresent message meant for me.
After checking in with Santa who was taking time from his busy season to take photos with little kids and hand out tree cutting saws to would-be customers, I was on my way. I walked right over to the embankment above the tree and made eye contact with my . My mom thought I was crazy and she was going to walk all of the way around the lot (maybe 50 feet) to the flat place where you are supposed to enter. I, however, could not risk someone else possibly coming along and taking my tree in the time it would take me to make the trek, so I decided to slide down the very muddy slope on my feet snowboard style. Now, if you know me you are laughing already just thinking of me, the girl who is possibly the most uncoordinated person in the entire world, trying to slide down something while standing up. I cannot even walk down stairs without falling and it sometimes happens when I walk up them. (I still remember you laughing at me Tammy!)
With my resolve set and Jessica snickering in the background, I planted my feet, and then grabbed onto Jessica. As we began to slide down the hill, we realized we were actually going to make it. Filled with elation, I looked back at Jess and we lost it. Literally. Turning around made me lose my balance and as I slipped, I grabbed Jessie for dear life who in turn grabbed my mom. I only fell down onto my hands and knees and I believe Jess fell the same way. My mom on the other hand was not so lucky and ended up on her backside…in the mud. So there we were, the three of us sitting in mud. It must have been a sight and I think we all realized it at the same time because all three of us suddenly broke out in our silent Muttley laughs.
Once we were able to compose ourselves, I set out to harvest my tree. I took off my hoodie and laid it on the ground so that my shirt would not get muddy. I then laid on top of that and stretched my arm out under the tree with the saw in hand. I began sawing. There was very little room for my hand and the saw under this tree and absolutely no room for my face, so I was looking up at my mom and sister rather than looking at what i was doing. When I was certain I had cut through the tree’s trunk to a point that we would only have to push it over, I pulled the saw out. We then pushed. The tree shook and then stayed exactly the way it had been. It did not topple over as it should have. I was perplexed. I crawled back down onto my sweater and had my sister lift the branches up and out of my way so that I could see under the tree. I had been cutting for what must have been 5 or 6 minutes, but I had cut approximately an inch into the trunk. So I hunkered down to try again. This time I stayed there until I knew the saw had cut through the tree. This took about 30 minutes and during this time, my brilliant plan to use the sweater as a buffer between my body and the mud had failed horribly. I was completely covered in mud and the rain had picked up so that it was now a torrential downpour. I had sap and dirt and bugs in my hair. My arms were covered in Christmas tree droppings of a wide and disgusting variety and I was cold. I hate being cold.
My thrill over finding the perfect tree had quickly diminished and I was left feeling dejected and a little broken. My first Christmas by myself was slowly turning out to be something I wanted over and done with. After we knocked the tree down, some teenage boys came over and asked if I wanted all of the debris shaken out of the tree. I did. After they shook the tree, they netted it and tied it to the top of the car. One of the guys got snarky and then asked if I wanted them to shake the debris off of me. I did not laugh though my mother and sister seemed to think it was the funniest thing ever. We drove the tree home and set out to carry it inside my house and begin decorating. Unfortunately when I got inside, I saw that it was almost 9PM and I had to get up for work at 4AM. Tree decorating would have to wait.
I didn’t care at this point however and I just left it. My mom and sister went home and I took a shower. I scrubbed and rubbed and picked and loofah’d every inch of my skin. Some of it was bleeding though I do not know if this was from the battle with the tree or from the scrubbing. After removing as much of the sticky sappy goop as I could, I decided I was as clean as I was going to get and I got ready for bed.
I like to unwind by reading before sleeping and I picked up my book. I opened the cover and turned the page. I did not let go of the page. The sap had glued my fingers to the pages. I then used my other hand to peel the paper from my skin. I ripped off the corner of the page. It also happened to be stuck to my other hand now. Think Chevy Chase in National Lampoons Christmas Vacation. I can tell you from experience they did not exaggerate that scene. At all. The more I tried to remove the paper, the smaller the bits became and I eventually ended up with 34 tiny pieces of paper stuck to me rather than the 1 I started with. I gave up and slept. Fitfully. Every time I rolled over, my sheet came with me. Sometime around 2AM I finally dozed off and I dreamt….of Christmas trees.
that tree is gangsta.
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